Siblings have a big influence on the overall development of children. They are the first play partners, role models for social interaction and provide emotional support to each other. Neurodivergent families have a huge responsibility to build and nurture a bond between the siblings. The challenge is more when one of the children is neurodivergent. As the mode of communication may or may not be the usual way, the parents have to take up the task of helping them bond. The neurotypical sibling, whether the elder or the younger, needs to be educated about the neurodivergence and the difficult situations which the family might have to face, right from the start. A word of caution in this is

• Don’t burden the neurotypical with responsibility, it may later lead to hostility in their minds
• Help build a deep emotional bond with their sibling.
• Model the behaviour, teach them from an early age to respect differences
• Have frequent open discussions about the feelings of anger, jealousy, joy etc.
• Validate the feelings of both the children

Our journey was as tumultuous as can be expected in a family with the first born being neurotypical and the second one being neurodivergent one. The uncertainity loomed over us, when we got the diagnosis and no handbook to help us tide over the difficult scenarios.

It was a scary place to be in, especially not knowing how we could judiciously divide our time between the children without neglecting one.

Today my daughter is twenty years old and my son is fifteen years old. Few years back, when my daughter was around 7 years old, when I decided to sit with her and explain about autism, I had no idea how much a child her age would grasp the enormity of the situation, but went ahead to sensitise her about this condition, that it is a permanent one and down the years, her younger brother may need help with a lot of things.

The intial few years were utter chaos with the attempts to juggle between therapies for one child and academics/hobby classes for the other. I lived in guilt and self loathing for not being able to do enough for both the kids and facing a persistent burnout on a daily basis. My husband and I would take turns and spend some alone time with our daughter. This did work out in deepening the compassion in her young mind towards her brother. The acceptance of the neurodivergence happened organically as we all embraced my son’s differences and showered him with equal love. Eventually, she followed suit and accepted him the way he was.Today, I feel gratitude and my heart swells with pride to witness the beautiful camaraderie between them.

The Neurodivergent family needs to act as a team, make a plan for the future together, address the feelings of jealousy and hostility.Having open discussions helps cultivate a sense of compassion and increases the chances of a loving bond between the children.

In the next part I will be discussing the issues faced by the siblings and what the parents can do to help resolve conflicts.