The role of parenting a neurodivergent child can be stressful and can sometimes create a strain in the relationship between the caregivers. Many couples find it difficult to maintain a strong bond in demanding situations. As my son’s primary caregiver, I have experienced extreme fatigue and burnout, which affected my relationship with my spouse. Expressing and sharing my hard feelings with my spouse regularly helped to foster a beautiful bond despite the unique challenges we faced. One simple, concrete way to start is by setting aside just five minutes each day to check in with your partner. Use this time to honestly share how you are doing, listen to each other, and connect beyond daily tasks. Even a brief daily check-in can make a big difference over time. Nurturing is a continuous process that requires constant work in that direction.

All caregivers can face burnout (not just mothers, even fathers too experience it from time to time).  This burnout can build unspoken resentment-  like thinking “ I do more”, “ You don’t understand, “I’m Alone in this struggle”. This can damage the relationship between partners. These feelings of a primary caregiver are valid, but they must be communicated. Seeking help from a professional can be considered. There should be no stigma attached to seeking counselling as a couple; it does not mean you have failed, but rather that you value your relationship more than the present circumstances.

Lack of sleep, extra work, sensory struggles, and meltdowns affect the whole family. The physical strain of caring for a neurodivergent child often sidelines the parents' relationship.  They become co-managers of schedules and appointments, which can silently harm the relationship. Nurturing the relationship requires intentional effort during these challenging times when both partners are just trying to survive.

My struggles There were traumatic times during my son’s flare-up of gut issues, due to which he had insomnia and would engage in OCDs in the night to cope with the discomfort. I would stay up until the early hours of the morning to just be there for him and wait for him to fall asleep. To prevent my son's insomnia from disturbing the rest of the family, I made sleeping arrangements so that my husband and daughter were not directly affected by this. As a consequence, I felt like a zombie, existing on a few hours of sleep, irritated and angry, snapping at everyone. This challenging period lasted for seven continuous months. I nursed a grudge against my husband, feeling that he had it easy, while I couldn't even step out of the house on my own for days. Fortunately, I took therapy for myself to help me tide over this phase. After that phase was over, my husband encouraged me to take solo trips. These trips were a lifesaver. I went every once in a while, where I was just me, no roles or demands, and  I got to be myself.  We also decided to be more open about our hard feelings. During arguments, we agree to disagree on many things. It takes me effort to express my hurt and anger civilly, and calm down after every argument.  My husband has learnt to support me in the way I want, and I have learnt to ask for help.

The strategies I used   to reduce hostility, keep love and hope alive were-

• Intentional bonding - My husband and I would go on regular, small coffee dates or lunch dates to reconnect with each other as a couple, rather than as parents.
• Shared responsibilities - we delineate our work and clearly define our duties based on our strengths.
• Structured time off for self-care - Schedule some alone time each day for relaxing, even if it's only a few minutes.
• Build a reliable support system- Reach out to family or friends and ask them to assist with caregiving from time to time. This may take time to create, but it may prove to be invaluable in the long run.
• Addressing burnout and hostile feelings regularly. Connect as two friends, not as parents, discussing the next hurdle. Spending a few minutes together each day helps to preserve the sanctity of the relationship.
• Speak up and share feelings directly and clearly**.**

Relationships require continual care, and nurturing the partnership is vital for the well-being of the entire family, especially in neurodivergent households.

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